You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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