Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
