hotel room ftw
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize