True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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