thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
