Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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