He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize