Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
