that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
