I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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