Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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