I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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