Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
