I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
