i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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