took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
