Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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