I am puke
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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