I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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