she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
