Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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