I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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