god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
