a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
