I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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