I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize