mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
