I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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