and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
