toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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