You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize