you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
