You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
