if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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