id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
