Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
