I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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