I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So vagazzling was a success
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
