Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
