well I can't set my house on fire every night
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
