What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I deserve this hangover.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
