he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
