That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
