omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
