Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
