Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
