That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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