Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
