His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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