I heard we made out
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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