I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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