if only i could text you this smell
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
