About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
