The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
