You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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