just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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