I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
