Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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