Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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